onion headlines
Bar Of Soap Fears It'II Be Used To Clean Butt Holes
City of Morons: Metropolis Mocked Over Confusing Bird, Plane and Flying Alien…AGAIN
Short On Rent, Street Magician Frantically Searches Ears Of Complete Strangers For Change
Horrified Woman Looks On As Mother-In-Law Unknowingly Wipes Face With Sex Towel
Plant Not Fooled By Desk Lamp's Attempt At Being Sunlight
BREAKING: Couple Marries, Mauled By Gorilla
Divorcing Couple Rock-Paper-Scissors Over Custody of 2 Children
Mad Dragon Shuts Down I-70, Delays Expected
'Mr. Rogers' Sex Tape Rocks The Nation
Golden Gate Bridge Voted 'Most Beautiful Place To Commit Suicide' For 3rd Year In A Row
Girlfriend Struggles To Eat Shitty Dinner You Made
"No no no--it's good. I'm just used to it a different way."
Wife Accidentally Burns House Down In Attempt To Cover Up Shit Smell
New Co-Worker Doesn't Remember Your Name Either
25 Pasta Recipes To Get Her In The Mood For Butt Stuff
Pothead Unsure If He's Dead Or Just Really Fucking High
Wave Pool Mostly Urine At This Point
Report: Parents Love Youngest Child The Most
Popsicle Company Changes Green Layer From Lime To Guacamole For Hispanic Heritage Month
Doctors Warn Side Effects May Include Dizziness, Shortness of Breath, Blisters, Hair Loss, Hair Gain, Difficulty Swallowing, Numbness In Pinky Fingers, Internal Bleeding, External Bleeding, Loss of Appetite, Eating 12 Pizzas, Speaking French, Speaking Russian, Speaking In Tongues, Painful/Permanent Erections, Near Death Experiences, Death By Chocolate, & Death
Rushed Alien Forgets To Bring Anal Probe On Trip To Earth
Squeamish Mafia Boss Can’t Stand The Sight Of Blood; Absent For Yet Another Hit
Husband Quietly Sneaks In Poop During Tour Of Open House
Can Cats & Dogs Be Friends? This Duo’s Sexual Chemistry Says YES!
Where Are They Now: The Cast Of ‘Gone With The Wind’
Low On Mints, Hotel Turns To Leaving Soy Sauce Packets On Pillows
Nicholas Cage Somehow Offered Another Film
Man Exposes Himself (Emotionally) In Park
Pizza Hut Pulls “PANdemic” Pan Pizza Ad Amidst Viral Outbreak
Family Movie Night Painfully Stretches Into 2nd Awkward Minute of Film’s Steamy Sex Scene
Op Ed: Columbus Did Not Discover America; Dinosaurs Did
Research Shows Theres No Jazz In Jazzercise
Overlapping Crime Scene Chalk Outlines Mistaken For Complicated Game Of Hop Scotch
Kool Aid Man Arrested, Owes $50 Million in Home Damages
Woman Butt Dials Friend; Friend Butt Answers
Cold, Flu, Or Are You Just A Pussy? 9 Ways To Tell The Difference
Village Idiot Battles Town Moron In Heated Runoff Election
Roomba Unknowingly Cleans Up Murder Scene
That’s No Shooting Star--That’s The International Space Station Plummeting Towards Earth
Local Diner’s “World Famous” Dish Not Known On
Other Side Of Globe
Jell-O cabbage salad? What the fuck is that?
All Dogs (except Mister Fluffers) Go To Heaven. He Was A Bad Boy, Piece Of Shit
Blushing Astronomer Giggles At Discovery Of “Boobie Constellation”
A Priest, a Rabbi & Minister Walk Into a Bar…and Start a Brawl;
5 Dead, 13 Injured
Monster Living Under Bed Rents Spot Out On Airbnb
Study Finds Average Dying Person’s Last Words Are
“Ow ow ow ow ow”
.
Jim Henson Company Reveals Gonzo Has Biggest Penis Of All The Muppets “By a Substantial Amount and It’s Not Even Close”
Swingers Party Asked to Leave Mattress Store for “Testing the Product”
Fruit Fly More a Fan of Vegetables Actually
Florida Man Does Something Completely Normal for Once
Tatooine’s Struggling Tosche Station to Close Over Lackluster Power Converter Sales
Dogs Twitch In Their Sleep Because They’re Dreaming About Falling To Their Death
Musical’s Cast Actually Knew Dance Moves Beforehand. Absolutely Nothing Spontaneous.
Mom’s New Massage Gun Has 3 Settings: Relaxation, DeepTissue and “Oh Fuck I’m Gonna Cum!”
Overweight Guy Friend Has Decent Looking Cleavage
Straight Up Bangin’ Widow Swimming in Phone Numbers at Husband’s Funeral.
7 Morning Exercises to Avoid Turning into the Office Cunt Bag
Santa Claus Diagnosed with OCD. Admits to Making Lists & Checking Them Up to 17 Times.